Companionship. I think that at the end of the day every human being that walks this earth has this feeling of wanting to be wanted and understood. They want to know that someone will always be there for them through every bump in the road. That is why, I believe, people get married in the first place.
My friend has been dealing with, since the time i met him almost three years ago, this desire to kill himself. We talk about it all the time and it always goes back to the fact that he doesn’t believe he could ever find someone to spend the rest of his life. Someone that is just going to be there everyday and walk through life with him. Those thoughts and beliefs are what have drove him to try to kill himself at least three times and check himself into mental hospitals about half a dozen times over the course of the past three years. He feels alone. Because he feels alone, he gets depressed and wants to die. The lonely feeling just never seems to go away. So, every couple of weeks he calls me to talk about how he is feeling with everything. And the lies of society that he doesn’t look the right way or that he is not capable of doing something worthy enough with his life to be with someone constantly eat away at him until he no longer wants to be here.
The thing is though… God calls very few people to a life of being single. He designed us to need companionship and want to be with someone we care about and to have someone be there for you. I don’t know if someone will actually read this or even relate to it but I feel the need to say you are not alone. Just because God isn’t bringing your “forever” into your life now doesn’t mean that he never will. He may just be preparing you to so that when that person does walk int your life, you are ready. You are beautiful enough to find someone. You are smart enough to be with someone. You are worthy enough for someone to love you. Never forget that. No matter what the world is yelling at you, listen to that small voice of the Lord that whispers the truth of who you are.
I am one of those people who uses music as an outlet and to express what I am feeling inside. When I don’t know how to put my feelings to words, my music is there.
“Growing Up” by Auburn spoke clearly to me when my dad was gone because of the lyrics. My favorite part of the song goes:
“‘Father, we come to you wholeheartedly and I ask that You hear our prayer and You give her the heart and the mercy to look past her father’s mistakes, just as You have been merciful to her all of these years. But I know You see what she goes through and I know you have been trying to reach her. But God, she was deafened and blinded by hatred. But now she’s here, Lord and we are ready to listen. She’s ready to listen. Amen’ Your body is my temple and your a precious jewel. Don’t let no one take that away. I know what you go through cause every night I heard you, it’d just you couldn’t hear Me. So don’t worry about you mother or you little brother. I took them just to ease their pain, but I left you just to use you”
The first part is a prayer for her friend and the second is the response from God. God allows us to have struggles so that we can then take them and be a light to the world. He knows what we go through. He sees the heart break. And He never leaves your side, even when we can’t feel Him near. We are precious and beautiful in His eyes.
Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous, it does not boast, it does not become conceited, it does not behave dishonorably, it is not selfish, it does not become angry, it does not keep a record of wrongs, it does not rejoice at unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 LEB)
Society has a wrong view of love. We think it’s this warm bubbly feeling we get in the pit of our stomach when we see someone attractive. But i don’t believe that is what love really is. The Bible says love is an action, not a feeling. The thing is people say “sometimes you just don’t love someone anymore” but that is a choice you make. It’s choosing to do the little things and be there. It’s choosing to not get angry and to be kind. It’s choosing to stand next to somebody when they are all alone.
I think ever teenager in the world gets that sinking feeling in their stomach that they are annoying every person around them and feels like they are not good enough. But the thing is that God tells you that you are good enough. You are more than enough. God made you just the way you are for a reason but its up to you to make the effort to find out how God wants to use you.
The scary thing though is sometimes, and more often then not, God wants you to do the very thing that scares you the most because it is the perfect opportunity to give God the reins and let Him take over. See, i would never ever in a million years want to write a blog and put all my personal information on the Internet for all to see. But it’s where I believe God had called me to be and what God has called to do. And it wasn’t as scary as i had feared it would be.
Sometimes i can’t help but to think “Why am I doing this”? And the answer every time is “what if one person out there is dealing with the same thing you went through and what if by some miracle your story could help them?” And that answer fuels me with a fire to want to help people who are going through or went through the same thing i did.
I was three years old when I was adopted into a christian home with my little brother. I was an outgoing and confident child.
Fast forward seven years. Fifth grade is probably the first time I really acknowledged something was wrong with my parents. My dad hardly came to school functions- my mom always went by herself while my dad worked. My parents would argue all the time. And my dad began to leave. Sometimes for weeks. Sometimes for months. We never knew when we were going to hear from him next, where he was, or when he was going to come home. But he would come home whenever he felt like and my mom would always let him back in again. And this is how Junior High went for me. When he would come back he would say how sorry he was and how he was never going to leave again. But he would. I knew he would. He would go to counseling with my mom and it would seem like he really was going to get better for a couple weeks and I would forgive him because I really wanted to believe things would be different this time. But they weren’t. I lost hope. I hated my dad. I learned to turn off my emotions. I hated my dad for the pain I saw every time I looked into my little brother’s eyes. I hated my dad for the way my mom would cry her eyes out and the way that she had to be strong even when she was in the worst pain of her life. I became so angry with him. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to my family. I began to cut. I thought that It provided relief for the storm that was inside of me. The storm that no one knew about. The storm I kept tucked away in a place where only I could find it because I did not want to add to my mom’s or little brother’s pain. I don’t think it was a conscious decision where i decided I needed to be strong for them- I just did.
Then things began to change in my family. My dad came back. I didn’t believe that this time was going to be any different than any other time because I had watched him come and go so many times. But he went to counseling. He tried. God had finally broken him down. My family looked like we might actually be okay again. Then the bomb dropped. It was a saturday morning at 8 am. I woke up to my parents yelling. My mom had been acting weird all week. She wouldn’t let me and my brother leave our rooms when she was talking to my dad. She wasn’t the one taking us to school or picking us up anymore. Something was so wrong. And that morning I found out why she had been acting that way. My dad was unfaithful while he was gone. He had threatened to leave again that Saturday morning so my mom made him tell each and everyone of his six kids. My already storming world shattered to pieces even more. I saw my little brother and mom cry in a way that I had never seen them cry. I saw my eleven year old baby brother weep. But the thing that was weird is that my dad didn’t leave that day. He stayed. He choose to fight for his family. God had really changed him.
But it wasn’t the end of my personal struggles. I was still so angry inside. It’s a hard thing to forgive. I had wanted my dad back for years and I had wanted to be a family again. But this was almost too much pain to handle. My mom kept telling me to give my pain up to God. But I refused. It was my pain. my hurt. and my anger. mine. I couldn’t believe God had let me get this hurt. I was angry. The cutting just kept getting worse and worse. In April, it became impossible for me to manage my own pain and hurt, that no one knew I was drowning in because I kept it hidden away. I tried to kill myself. I wanted out and I just wanted to be done carrying around this weight. I thought it would be better to die. I was so angry but in the hospital God spoke to me through one of the nurses. She said, “There is always Hope. And even when there is not just pray and God will show you that hope. There is always a hope to live for.” Then it hit me as I lay there in the hospital bed maybe there is hope that I wouldn’t always be this angry. Just like there was hope for my family.
God had always given me everything I need- in fact he has given me more than I need. So why wouldn’t he now? He gave me the most beautiful baby brother that always seems to be able to put a smile on my face even when I don’t want to smile. He gave me a family that opened their arms to me and loves me unconditionally. He provided peace and protection for my family when my dad left. So why wouldn’t he give me everything I needed now? The truth is that he will and he does.
My dad is home for good now and our family is restored completely. I am in recovery and healing.